My 2Q20 Results

2Q20 results are in and they are dismal. Notice that I am being polite. Actually they are akin to stepping into a nightmare, the type that involves sleep paralysis, when you know you are in a dream and you will yourself to wake up, (“WAKE UP”!) but nothing happens.

Terrifying.

Much like watching your parents having sex.

And to think the Queen thought 1992 was the “annus horribilis”. Talk of shortsighted.

Those who are managers -only a few of you- and those understand management speak –even fewer- could honestly sum up the situation with one word, or two. “We’re fucked”. Instead they try to pull the wool over our eyes. “We almost met the projections!”, “the curve is better” “the worst is over”. Bullshit. Or as the Queen would say, not this Queen but her ancestor: “We are not amused”.

I call it as I see it. Not the future, because not even fools would rush in there, but my 2Q20 numbers.

Simple Math, the old way. Here are my 95-day lockdown period results versus the projections.

Projected: 95 full-course lunches, minus the 2 days were I mutinied and slapped together a tuna or ham sandwich for a total of 93 meals: 2 less than projected.

Start dishwasher every second day (There is no such thing as an empty dishwasher) that is 47 times, less 7 days for it being out of order, for a total of 40 times: 7 times under budget.

Complete change of bedclothes every 7 days. Couldn’t be bothered and anyhow my back gave out, changed only every 10 or 12 days, resulting in 8 or 5 times under budget.

According to projections load the washer/dryer every 4 days. I loathe the washing machine. Feeling is mutual. I just let the pile of dirty clothes grow mold in a corner till there was not a clean T shirt or tea towel left. Put everything in. Loads around 12: so 11 below the projections.

Color roots every 3 weeks. Did it once, made a mess. Now sporting Salt ‘N Pepa hair in the best hip hop tradition and quite comfy too. Results: 2 under par.

Manicure nails every week according to projections. But between cleaning, floor moping and pot scrubbing I had no time left. So I did them 5 times, badly: came in 8 under projections. Resulted in sporting shortest nails ever. Have nun’s hands now. Scullery nun.

Projected 95 daily baths. Skipped a few. At the end of 2Q20 I guess I made it to the shower 89 times so: 6 below projection.

So far, so bad. But there is a small silver lining. Beginning lockdown my target was to lose 3 kilos (Why is it always 3?) and to learn to bake. (Why not? Everybody else seems to be baking)

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So far I’ve lost 4 kilos overshooting my mark by 1.

And have baked 10 cakes. Hitting the ball, and my culinary projections for 2Q20, out of the park.