Smooching

A couple of minutes into the film –a story about group of friends going on holiday- and already two dozen kisses have been exchanged. On the cheek mind you; this is definitely a French film. (Ever wondered where the name French kiss comes from since most of French people I see kissing go for pecks on the cheek instead of diving Deep Throat style?) Anyhow if after the kissing love fest there still remains any doubt as to the origins of the movie, a few minutes later they all sit down to a sumptuous lunch of oysters and rosé.

They will eat again an average of every ten minutes till the end of the movie. Only the French.

In an American film when women meet they stand apart from each other and jump up and down while gesticulating wildly and loudly exclaiming “Hi!!!!!! Hellooooo!!! Hi!!!” and nobody ever eats anything except maybe a muffin on the go. They invariably walk around holding a coffee mug for dear life. By the end that coffee sure must be cold. They don’t say “Good morning” or “How are you” these forms of greetings are reserved for the Brits. In any case the Anglos don’t smooch. Ever. Except for wives of One Percenters (the 1% gazillionaires who hold 40% of the US private wealth) and the theatre and fashion people of New York who have perfected the art of air kissing. Not to be confused with blowing kisses which is what nice babies do, air kissing is when two people meet, bend, go left, right mua!, mua! -Continental style- with puckered lips and do not touch.

There’s more. In France there is a lot of kissing going on. All the time. Hand-kissing, Generals kiss in military ceremonies (de Gaulle was a great kisser. Imagine Eisenhower or Monty) men generally kiss each other (the same goes for Italy and Spain; Greece not so much because with all the hanky panky going on with boys in Ancient Greece they’re kinda wary about being misunderstood). In the French countryside the absence of sophistication runs parallel to the number of kisses in a greeting, so they kiss a lot. Four times on every occasion is the norm. Saying hello on the church steps can take forever.

It is fair to say that smooching in France only starts when you are very close or very closely related. Otherwise a handshake is perfectly fine.

Then we come to South America and all bets are off. Kissing is big over here. The young kiss, professionals kiss in the office, people kiss in Mass, doctors and patients kiss (quite unsanitary) the maître d’ at the local grill and the guy who comes to fix the roof, people you have never met before, all big kissers. I come from a very shy family, not touchy- feely, but try as I may to extend a hand and forestall the smack on the cheek I fail. The person in question yanks my arm and plants a kiss. No use turning your head, it is undeniable not PC and people will take offense.

There’s little good to be said about the pandemic. A shortage of smooching is one. Social distancing and face masks have put a temporary hold on unwanted and unwelcome kissing.

With some luck the change is here to stay.